The Gender Revolution

Posted on May 14, 2012 by

We are in the midst of a powerful sociocultural shift: a Gender Revolution. No longer can we ascribe the same old traits for purposes of defining gender. Historically, our sex was the first thing noted about us and then our early personalities were expected to conform in some predetermined framework to our gender. If we were girls, we were socialized to be “feminine”. If we were boys, we were socialized to be “masculine”.

Many of us suffered in our development simply because, and for a myriad of reasons, we did not fall into any one assumed gender-category. Guess what? We are now encased in a Gender Revolution which demands a redefinition and recognition of what makes a person male or female. And guess what? One is no longer easily distinguishable from the other!

A stay-at-home dad? Households where Mom and Dad ebb and flow between parenting and working roles? Male nurses? A high-powered female CEO who doesn’t want to marry or have children? Society has taken huge leaps since the June Cleaver days. It’s a good time to take a look at and redefine shifting views of men and women’s place in the world.

Attitudes towards gender roles are more varied than ever. Nearly every school of thought, whether it’s business, theology, sociology, marketing, psychology, or family studies, has its view of where men and women “belong” and naturally, these views are not without controversy. The Web is rich with sites that bring to mind an ongoing tug-of-war of “he said, she said”. However, one observation is clear: in today’s world there is way more to gender roles than trite, stereotypical archetypes.

While most of us can agree that change takes time, we have seen gender roles evolve in leaps and bounds. Many people are positively transforming with the idea of being taken care of by a male nurse; they are seeing the value in having their sons play with dolls and they are championing their daughters to become firefighters or serve in the military. There continues to be an ever-strengthening movement where the boundaries between the masculine and feminine are becoming more fluid and easily transmuted.

As far as gender is concerned, it is no longer a case of the tail wagging the dog. We are increasingly less pressured to have to engage in self-limiting activities to prove our gender. I, for one, am relieved and excited about the possibilities for women and men alike.

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Mother’s Day and Mythology

Posted on April 22, 2012 by

Mother’s Day is typically celebrated for loving mothers everywhere. The day is dedicated for remembering all the sacrifices and kindnesses mothers, old and young, have demonstrated to their offspring.

But for many children, Mother’s Day is a myth. It is a fantasy; an idea or illusion a child wistfully carries in their mind, but never truly experienced. The population of these children who are older, are the ones who linger by the Hallmark cards for long periods of time: reading and replacing; reading and replacing. They finally settle for some benign message that ultimately says “Have a Nice Day”, but nothing more. This blog is dedicated to all those children. There are plenty of them out there and, for them, Mother’s Day can trigger some powerfully painful emotions.

The children who contend with Mother’s Day Mythology are usually the children who have not received love via compassion from their moms. They may have been overtly or covertly abused. They may have been overtly or covertly neglected. They may have even received some virtuous traits from their mom’s role modeling, but they still suffer. Many are in therapy or many need to be. Sad children, young and old, affected by insensitive mothers and who may now struggle with attachment challenges, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, …too many adverse effects to list here.

Here is what I want to say to children who have not yet risen above their maternal yearning:

  • You are a lovable and valuable human being.
  • You are whole and nothing is missing.
  • You have special gifts and talents that deserve to be encouraged.
  • You deserve unconditional love and regard.
  • You are not to blame because your Mom struggled in her parental role; she probably wasn’t mothered very well, herself.
  • You are not to blame that you may not have loving feelings for your Mother.
  • You can blame your Mother every which way from Mother’s Day and it won’t change a thing for you, unless you change.
  • You can grieve the loss of a loving mother, whether your Mom is alive or not.
  • You can still find a loving mother-symbol in other relationships.
  • You can still be a wonderful Mother, even if you didn’t have one.
  • You can forgive your Mother and release yourself from the myth.
  • You have strength, wisdom, determination and fortitude as a direct result of your painful mother-experience.
  • You have everything it takes to be your own loving mother.

I humbly and respectfully invite any child of this particular experience to add to this list. I am certain there are many more attributes to be shared. You deserve to be heard on Mother’s Day.

If you have or had the gift of a loving mother, please take a minute and send some loving thoughts to all the children who wish they did too.

Thank you for reading my blog and Happy Mother’s Day.

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Compliant Children of Divorce: Unwanted Lessons Learned

Posted on March 9, 2012 by

It is nothing new to remind the reader that children of divorce are learning some very important lessons through the role modeling of their separating parents. Children of divorce probably watch their parents lead by example more closely than the general population of children. Why? Because they simply do not know what to do, what to say, or how to feel. They may have heard the word “divorce”, but may have very limited internal resources with which they can make sense of the concept. They are in the midst of a family breakdown over which they have no control and no idea of how bad the breakdown might ultimately become.

As a mental health professional, I worry  less about the children who “act-out” during their parents’ divorce. These kids get the attention, albeit negatively, and parents are more likely to recognize the cry for help. I worry much more about children who “act-in” and, as a result, the parents mistakenly think are fine.

Here are some very subtle and unwanted lessons compliant children of divorce are at risk to learn:

“I should contain my upset. My mother/father is really upset and I am afraid that my being mad, sad or scared will be the last straw. If I seem to be fine, my parents won’t be more upset and so I won’t be left.” Children who learn the unwanted lesson of holding in their own feelings are at risk for future depression, anxiety and difficulty in making healthy attachments.

“I should act like nothing is wrong and I am okay. If my parents think it is okay to break up our family and divorce each other, I will just divorce myself.” Some children of divorce go beyond repressing their own legitimate anger and sadness and actually “break away” from or deny their own unique family experience. This sets them up to live in a distorted reality that they can perpetuate into adulthood.

“When they ask me if I am okay, I will just say ‘yes’. When they ask me if anything is wrong, I will just say ‘no’. They hardly pay any attention to how I’m truly feeling anyway. I may not be very important to them.” This unwanted lesson teaches the child that he/she is not very lovable. A wounded self-concept can carry forward into the child’s own adult relationships where they are either neglected or treated poorly.

When children of divorce become tentative and resistant to discuss the pain they feel about the shift in their family, they may be struggling with feeling ashamed that their parents are breaking up. The feeling of shame is an overwhelming emotional burden for a young child to face and resolve. As a result, these kids develop a style of communication that is guarded and limited. This wall of defense temporarily protects the compliant child. The challenge is that deferred feelings are just that. They don’t go away just because the child is denying them. Sooner or later these unpleasant feelings will arise and more than likely, come out “sideways” through other problems: drug and alcohol abuse, insomnia; poor academic performance, running with the wrong crowd, bad love relationships, suicidal thinking, criminal behavior…just to name a few.

Please consider seeking the support of a Collaborative Child Specialist who can offer uncoupling parents valuable insight into the compliant child’s experience. Pay attention to the child of divorce who appears to be and acts like he/she is just fine. They may be learning some unwanted lessons which will not serve them well on their journey through life.

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So, What’s New in Resolutions?

Posted on December 27, 2011 by

Here is an interview I gave to the AZ Republic last year. I hope you find it to be helpful. Happy New Year!

1. Why do people make New Year’s resolutions?

People traditionally see this time of year as an opportunity for self-improvement; by starting with a clean slate. They can identify and address their challenges, feeling safe from criticism or judgment from others. They regard the New Year as a symbol for new beginnings and a motivator to enter into some meaningful agreements with oneself.

2. All things considered, is it a good thing for people to do?

Making resolutions is neither good nor bad…it just IS. People make New Year’s Resolutions, in part, as a social ritual, a cultural right-of-passage and an interesting New Year’s Eve Party topic for conversation.

Making New Year’s Resolution is a good practice, but can become self-defeating if you see it as a win-lose activity. Harvard Studies demonstrate that when people take time to think about their goals and write them down, they are more likely to achieve them. Unfortunately, there are also many of us who tend to “hit a wall” not long after we make the self-promises. Even though we have the best of intentions to realize our resolutions, we are unable to stay the path to the finish. Then we have to find a way to emerge out of our shame (consciously or not), only to find ourselves pretty much back where we started….that’s “shrink-speak” for then we experience failure. Once that happens, we don’t feel very good about ourselves and we are at risk to get even more entrenched in our bad habits as a distraction from feeling disappointed. It becomes a vicious cycle.

3. What’s the best way for people to go about trying to make changes in their lives?

Start with the inside job. Work on becoming a resolute person, rather than make resolutions. Consider the value in acquiring the characteristics of determination, faith in oneself, integrity and open-mindedness. Practice using higher thinking to access traits of courage, self-forgiveness and trust. Write these traits down on index cards and look at them every day.

Also, develop your ability to collaborate or work together with others to reach a common goal. Work on a community project in a team setting that will offer you this type of experience. This will serve you well in your own individual growth.

Above all, first ask yourself this: “am I a human-doing or a human-being?” Put your focus on who you want to be, rather than on what you want to do. People who work on a positive self-definition naturally tend to make positive changes and do things well.

4. Why do people have so much trouble making changes, whether they’re little or big?

It is all about the brain and neurogenesis (creation of new neurons). Unproductive behavior patterns are deeply set in the gray matter of the brain as a result of repetitive and high volumes of neuron-firings forging any one particular brain groove deeper and wider. After a while that neural pathway becomes as big as a freeway and starts to take on a life of its own. We call some of these automatic firings “bad habits.”

The key for healthy change is to consciously work to fire your neurons up and left in the brain to a better-outcome destination, while the existing “bad habit groove” starts to shrink and atrophy due to lack of use. That may sound like a challenging road, but it is one that will help you arrive at change that lasts. Remember, you have to first agree to engage in cognitive/thinking activities that will blaze a new neural pathway in your own brain. I believe that is the biological essence of making changes.

5. Is there something in the human condition that seeks improvement?

Yes. I think it is the work of the primitive brain just trying to survive. Darwin called it Survival of the Fittest. In order to become resolute and develop faith in yourself, I think you have to first seek enlightenment, rather than improvement.

6. What do successful people know – or do – that other people don’t?

When successful people want to make a change for the better they:

1. make a resolution they can live with (rather than set an unrealistic goal).
2. brainstorm all the options on how to get there (be open-minded).
3. pick the option for reaching the goal that is do-able (know your limitations).
4. hold onto the desired outcome lightly (keep a balance between the journey and the destination).
5. understand that setbacks are intrinsic component of success (shed your fear of failure).
6. Collaborate with important resources to reach the goal. (It is okay to need help and learn some new things along the way).

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Holiday Stress: Not Very Merry

Posted on November 29, 2011 by

The holidays, magically coined to be a time of wonder, joy, and togetherness, are actually not-very-merry for many people. Though we generally struggle to manage stress throughout the year, the holidays can intensify underlying issues and painful emotions. The American Psychological Association conducted a study in 2006 and found that while 78% of respondents reported feeling often happy around the holidays, about two-thirds sometimes or often felt stressed and fatigued.

These have been some tough times with the Great Recession. Couple that with higher rates of depression, anxiety and the commonplace reality of the dysfunctional family; the Currier and Ives winter-wonderland fantasy can quickly melt away into a chilly, greyish slush of stress. What can we do when we feel not-very-merry during the holidays? Here are some tips:

  1. Go back to basics. Stay out of the malls and away from online shopping and create something with your own hands. Cards, cookies, cakes, jam, knit items, seedlings that will grow in the spring…these activities will fire your neurons up and left in your brain, moving away from negative emotions and generating a better feeling outcome.
  2. Think about others who are struggling and do some small act of charity. Whether it is dropping off a toy for a child in the hospital, dropping a dollar in the Salvation Army kettle, cooking a meal for someone who is sick. Engage in random acts of kindness and remain anonymous.
  3. Take care of yourself: get exercise, don’t binge on sweets; and most of all, get plenty of sleep.
  4. Give yourself permission to say “No”.  It is okay to be mindful of what you can realistically fit into your schedule and when you need to do nothing but put your feet up and rest.
  5. Be careful with alcohol use. Even recreational use of alcohol is typically increased during this time of year. Don’t forget that alcohol is a depressant and it interrupts restful sleep patterns.
  6. Ask for help and delegate. Be conscious of your limitations and don’t sacrifice your well-being to please everyone else. That’s no fun for you or them.
  7. Know your triggers. If you are spending time with extended family and friends, remember your hot-buttons with those select few who can be trouble-makers. Keep the conversation light and simple and refuse to get drawn into dysfunctional drama.
  8. Remember the phrase “holy day” as the basis of the word holiday and engage in some form of spiritual practice: meditate, pray, count your blessings (even if on one hand), visit a new house of worship, light candles, hike in nature, listen to music, play games together…whatever resonates for you.

As you move through the holiday season, remember its universal theme on a personal level: envision peace in your inner world and practice good will onto yourself. All the best to you and yours!

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Divorce and the Target of Blame

Posted on October 26, 2011 by

Some people who are facing a contentious divorce may be in that position because they are coined as having high conflict personalities. The high conflict person can be very draining to those who are close to them or to the professionals who are working with them because they have the ability to hook the other in by making the other their target of blame. According to Bill Eddy, the guru of the High Conflict Personality, you know you’ve been hooked by the HCP as a target of blame when you:

  • feel shame as if you have done something wrong
  • you feel the fight, flight or freeze survival instincts
  • become defensive and have a need to blame the high conflict person
  • believe you have to prove yourself to be right
  • feel upset that the high conflict person is “getting away with something”.

Bill Eddy suggests that when you are the target of blame for a high conflict person that you: “remind yourself that it’s unconscious.  This high-conflict behavior isn’t a conscious process for the HCP.  He or she is not ‘knowingly’ taking advantage of you.  His or her actions are driven by unconscious personality patterns.  This doesn’t mean that everything they do is unconscious.  Most HCP’s have lied about something and knowingly engaged in behavior that’s improper.  But they’re driven to do these bad things for unconscious reasons.”

Mr. Eddy reminds us that the High Conflict Personality has always had a target of blame. There has been someone before you and there will be someone after you. This behavior is a pattern for the HCP so that they can remain distracted from their own grief and their own historical fears. Whether you are the HCP’s divorcing spouse or other family member, friend, attorney, mental health professional, you need to be ready for the possibility of becoming their target of blame and work to not get hooked.

Collaborative Divorce is an efficient approach for working with a High Conflict Personality because there is the powerfully safe environment of the professional team to deal with the challenge from a multidimensional perspective. The lawyers and the neutral Financial Specialist help the HCP neurologically move from the mid-brain (fight, flight or freeze center) up to the left cortex where higher, rational, concrete thinking can take place. The Coach can help the HCP recognize and manage intense negative emotions. The Child Specialist can help the HCP to reprioritize his/her thinking and remember to put the needs of the children in the forefront.  If you work in the field of divorce, Collaborative Divorce training is essential for less taxing, more gratifying work. There is a three-day training coming up on February 2-4, 2012 in Pomona, CA. Here is the direct link to sign up:

http://collaborativedivorceeducationinstitute.com/index.php/component/content/article/5-collaborative-divorce-team-training/40-collaborative-training

If you are the divorcing spouse of a High Conflict Personality, please consider getting a Collaborative Divorce. It will help your restructuring family to transition more peacefully. It will focus on the well-being of your children and place your divorce in the context of a normal transition in today’s world.

Writing this blog reminds me of a very meaningful statement by Wayne Dyer. “All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.” Please keep this in mind when working with a HCP. It will help you avoid getting hooked.

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IPhone 4 S: Neurologically Stimulating?

Posted on October 15, 2011 by

I bought the new iPhone 4S yesterday. I must say it was like buying a new car…only much worse. You just don’t walk into a showroom and buy a car. You just don’t walk into the Techno-store and buy a phone. You have to do a careful exploration and discovery of exactly what the device has to offer. When you drive off the lot, the car loses value; same thing as soon as you enter the matrix with your “phone”. They already have a better, faster, bigger-memory one waiting in the wings to trump your model. It’s an exercise in futility.

Actually, I realized yesterday that even the word “phone” is full of baloney! I’ve been busy repeating to myself all week , “I need a new phone.” What I should have been saying instead was “I need a new life-device” That’s not the same as a phone. That’s a lot more complicated and potentially anxiety producing.

Here was my experience. First, I waited on a long line outside in the heat for more than thirty minutes in anticipation of my new life-device. Then, I was neurologically overstimulated for another ninety minutes launching into shopping for it. I was thoroughly unprepared emotionally for the over-firing of neurons coupled with a fleeting existential anxiety that my life was out of my control until I understood this small rectangular thing sitting in the cradle of my hand.

Then, there were those add-ons: insurance, phone-cover, car charger, screen-saver, extra data. The techno-man behind the counter was droning on about it all and I felt like I was out of my body; dissociating from the neurological over-firing and yearning to bolt for the exit.

Then I took the device home and stressed with it for the next three hours because the “phone” did not reassure me quickly enough that it would all be just fine. Twenty-four hours later I have come to understand that the device, itself, is actually quite easy to use. It is the not the “phone”, but my data anxiety that creates the challenge. I find myself stuck in the restless cycle of what’s coming next: an email, a text message, a dropped call, a Facebook tag, a Linked-In discussion, a new You Tube video, a tweet?

Whatever happened to the black rotary phone? It had merit in that in order to use it, you had to stop, be still and be in the moment. There is something to be said for that.

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Steve Jobs: Think Outside of the Motherboard

Posted on October 7, 2011 by

The world has come to attention, if only for a bit, with the passing of Steve Jobs. Described as “Iconic”, he achieved things in his shortened life that might have taken much longer if left in the hands of those less gifted. His technological virtues have been extolled and certainly don’t need to be repeated here.

One abstract legacy that Steve Jobs leaves behind is his lifelong resilience; his capacity to bounce back in the face of adversity and to rise above his challenges.  He came from humble beginnings; he didn’t have enough money for room and board in college; he didn’t graduate; he left his business, he worked hard and productively for eight years while fighting an aggressive form of cancer; and, perhaps what many would consider the biggest challenge, that he was given up for adoption at birth.

Steve Jobs is an Icon of Resilience. He refused to conform to the confines and definitions of what society deems “normal” and consistently believed there were a multitude of creative ways to overcome challenges and get to a goal.  Because he wouldn’t be constrained by certain social norms and societal limitations; he was able to let his creativity flow and artistically find his resilience through every challenge he faced.

Here is what I take away from the sad loss of this great man: when you are looking to bounce back from life’s hard knocks, remember that there may be many more paths to resilience than you might conventionally notice. Don’t let yourself be limited by the constraints of social norms and dictates when you need to find a way to rise above your challenges. Be creative and search for answers in places that push you out of your comfort zone. When you are in adversity, think of Steve Job’s original challenge: he may have been displaced by his Mother; but he bounced back, connected to the world and flourished by thinking outside of the Motherboard.

RIP Steve Jobs.

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Divorce: the Only Moral Choice is the Collaborative Model

Posted on September 27, 2011 by

Statistics show that marriage is losing popularity and many couples are opting for divorce. Generations ago, divorce was perceived with stigma and while that perspective has improved, divorce is still frequently regarded as the launch into the fight of one’s life. Maybe this is one reason people are opting out of marriage altogether. Maybe marriage wouldn’t be losing ground if divorcing people began to choose a divorce that is moral and honorable in its approach.

I believe it is the responsibility of every citizen who is considering divorce to opt for a Collaborative Divorce. This choice represents a moral and ethical decision for the integrity of our society. To divorce collaboratively states that the needs of the children and their transitioning family context deserve to be treated with respect, care, loving kindness…and nothing less. This needs to become a core value for every divorcing family because the family is the foundation for our society at large.

Collaborative Divorce is a means for uncoupling that utilizes an interdisciplinary team of professionals; each trained and skilled in providing resolution and closure to the legal, emotional and financial dimension inherent in every divorce. The divorcing couple is cocooned within the safety net of their professional team and become empowered to respectfully gather and share necessary information,; brainstorm all the possible options in transitioning their assets and debts; and, kindly make agreements each can live with as they move forward in a two-household family. They work together with their team to listen to the voice of their kids and hold their children’s concerns at the forefront.

I have been practicing in this model for more than a decade and I am pretty passionate about the notion that our society needs to move into an honorable point of view that Collaborative Divorce is naturally the only way for a family to make a life-altering transition that truly serves the greater good.

If you or someone you know is considering a divorce, please learn more about Collaborative Divorce and take the high-minded path for the good of the family and for the good of society. It is your moral responsibility to do so. If you are a divorce professional (legal, mental health, or financial), please take the Collaborative Divorce Full Team Training on November 3rd, 4th, 5th in Phoenix, AZ. Check out our website Collaborative Divorce Institute (at www.collaborativedivorceinstitute.com) for more information.

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Conflict: In It for the Friction

Posted on September 19, 2011 by

Have you ever noticed that some people are in it strictly for the friction? It seems as if they thrive on arguing and they like to turn most interactions into some kind of heated debate. They like to fight so that they can see themselves as right and justified in their bad behavior. Coined as “High-Conflict” personalities, this part of the population covers a wide demographic and you will find these types everywhere you go. Quite often they are of high intelligence and you might very well notice that they hold powerful jobs. Their behavior can become the bane of your existence if they are your boss or your partner.

According to Bill Eddy, the guru of high-conflict,  the personality traits of people who are in it for the friction include:

  1. Rigid and uncompromising, repeating failed strategies
  2. Unable to accept or heal from a loss
  3. Negative emotions dominate their thinking
  4. Unable to reflect on their own behavior
  5. Difficulty empathizing with others
  6. Preoccupied with blaming others
  7. Avoid any responsibility for the problem or the solution

Does this sound like someone you know? One way to gauge if you are dealing with this type is to examine your own behavior. If you notice that you walk on eggshells around him or her, you could be with a High-Conflict personality and you must take care, because you could easily end up as their target of blame. Learning how to set a boundary with this type of person does not come easy because their trap is to lure you into the debate. Once, you are lured in, they “gotcha!” and now are justified in escalating the argument. Beware! Don’t ever argue with a High-Conflict personality.

Here are some tips for you:

  1. Learn to be okay if the High-Conflict person doesn’t like you. Being the good-guy with someone who is in it for the friction is seriously overrated. The High-Conflict personality translates “good guy” into “my next victim”.
  2. Learn not to take the High-Conflict person’s behavior personally. So what if their behavior has insulted you? Why need the approval of an unstable person? If it is a supervisor or boss, their critical nature will rarely cost you your job. Consider the source and remember that their need to be right comes from a deep inner insecurity.
  3. Trust your instincts. You will get a gut-kick very early with someone who is in it for the friction. Set your boundaries early and don’t let those boundaries be intruded upon.
  4. Don’t try to prove a point. They won’t accept it. Remember that they need for you to be “wrong”. State that you understand their point of view and you just happen to see it differently.
  5. Never, ever fall into the trap of trying to manage the wrath of someone who is in it for the friction. You will only be as good as your last performance and you will become emotionally exhausted.
  6. Be ready to walk away. Since High-Conflict people are usually terrified of abandonment, you will sense this early on and you might stay hooked up with them long after it is useful to do so. Sometimes you just have to walk away to preserve your own mental health.

Ultimately, someone who is in it for the friction needs to have a target. Recognize that early and refuse to play that role. See Bill Eddy’s work for everything you need to know.


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