1. Why do people make New Year’s resolutions?

People traditionally see this time of year as an opportunity for self-improvement; by starting with a clean slate. They can identify and address their challenges, feeling safe from criticism or judgment from others. They regard the New Year as a symbol for new beginnings and a motivator to enter into some meaningful agreements with oneself.

2. All things considered, is it a good thing for people to do?

Making resolutions is neither good nor bad…it just IS. People make New Year’s Resolutions, in part, as a social ritual, a cultural right-of-passage and an interesting New Year’s Eve Party topic for conversation.

Making New Year’s Resolution is a good practice, but can become self-defeating if you see it as a win-lose activity. Harvard Studies demonstrate that when people take time to think about their goals and write them down, they are more likely to achieve them. Unfortunately, there are also many of us who tend to “hit a wall” not long after we make the self-promises. Even though we have the best of intentions to realize our resolutions, we are unable to stay the path to the finish. Then we have to find a way to emerge out of our shame (consciously or not), only to find ourselves pretty much back where we started….that’s “shrink-speak” for then we experience failure. Once that happens, we don’t feel very good about ourselves and we are at risk to get even more entrenched in our bad habits as a distraction from feeling disappointed. It becomes a vicious cycle.

3. What’s the best way for people to go about trying to make changes in their lives?

Start with the inside job. Work on becoming a resolute person, rather than make resolutions. Consider the value in acquiring the characteristics of determination, faith in oneself, integrity and open-mindedness. Practice using higher thinking to access traits of courage, self-forgiveness and trust. Write these traits down on index cards and look at them every day.

Also, develop your ability to collaborate or work together with others to reach a common goal. Work on a community project in a team setting that will offer you this type of experience. This will serve you well in your own individual growth.

Above all, first ask yourself this: “am I a human-doing or a human-being?” Put your focus on who you want to be, rather than on what you want to do. People who work on a positive self-definition naturally tend to make positive changes and do things well.

4. Why do people have so much trouble making changes, whether they’re little or big?

It is all about the brain and neurogenesis (creation of new neurons). Unproductive behavior patterns are deeply set in the gray matter of the brain as a result of repetitive and high volumes of neuron-firings forging any one particular brain groove deeper and wider. After a while that neural pathway becomes as big as a freeway and starts to take on a life of its own. We call some of these automatic firings “bad habits.”

The key for healthy change is to consciously work to fire your neurons up and left in the brain to a better-outcome destination, while the existing “bad habit groove” starts to shrink and atrophy due to lack of use. That may sound like a challenging road, but it is one that will help you arrive at change that lasts. Remember, you have to first agree to engage in cognitive/thinking activities that will blaze a new neural pathway in your own brain. I believe that is the biological essence of making changes.

5. Is there something in the human condition that seeks improvement?

Yes. I think it is the work of the primitive brain just trying to survive. Darwin called it Survival of the Fittest. In order to become resolute and develop faith in yourself, I think you have to first seek enlightenment, rather than improvement.

6. What do successful people know – or do – that other people don’t?

When successful people want to make a change for the better they:

1. make a resolution they can live with (rather than set an unrealistic goal).
2. brainstorm all the options on how to get there (be open-minded).
3. pick the option for reaching the goal that is do-able (know your limitations).
4. hold onto the desired outcome lightly (keep a balance between the journey and the destination).
5. understand that setbacks are intrinsic component of success (shed your fear of failure).
6. Collaborate with important resources to reach the goal. (It is okay to need help and learn some new things along the way).

These have been some tough times with the Great Recession. Couple that with higher rates of depression, anxiety and the commonplace reality of the dysfunctional family; the Currier and Ives winter-wonderland fantasy can quickly melt away into a chilly, greyish slush of stress. What can we do when we feel not-very-merry during the holidays? Here are some tips:

1. Go back to basics. Stay out of the malls and away from online shopping and create something with your own hands. Cards, cookies, cakes, jam, knit items, seedlings that will grow in the spring…these activities will fire your neurons up and left in your brain, moving away from negative emotions and generating a better feeling outcome.
2. Think about others who are struggling and do some small act of charity. Whether it is dropping off a toy for a child in the hospital, dropping a dollar in the Salvation Army kettle, cooking a meal for someone who is sick. Engage in random acts of kindness and remain anonymous.
3. Take care of yourself: get exercise, don’t binge on sweets; and most of all, get plenty of sleep.
4. Give yourself permission to say “No”.  It is okay to be mindful of what you can realistically fit into your schedule and when you need to do nothing but put your feet up and rest.
5. Be careful with alcohol use. Even recreational use of alcohol is typically increased during this time of year. Don’t forget that alcohol is a depressant and it interrupts restful sleep patterns.
6. Ask for help and delegate. Be conscious of your limitations and don’t sacrifice your well-being to please everyone else. That’s no fun for you or them.
7. Know your triggers. If you are spending time with extended family and friends, remember your hot-buttons with those select few who can be trouble-makers. Keep the conversation light and simple and refuse to get drawn into dysfunctional drama.
8. Remember the phrase “holy day” as the basis of the word holiday and engage in some form of spiritual practice: meditate, pray, count your blessings (even if on one hand), visit a new house of worship, light candles, hike in nature, listen to music, play games together…whatever resonates for you.

As you move through the holiday season, remember its universal theme on a personal level: envision peace in your inner world and practice good will onto yourself. All the best to you and yours!

• feel shame as if you have done something wrong
• you feel the fight, flight or freeze survival instincts
• become defensive and have a need to blame the high conflict person
• believe you have to prove yourself to be right
• feel upset that the high conflict person is “getting away with something”.

Bill Eddy suggests that when you are the target of blame for a high conflict person that you: “remind yourself that it’s unconscious.  This high-conflict behavior isn’t a conscious process for the HCP.  He or she is not ‘knowingly’ taking advantage of you.  His or her actions are driven by unconscious personality patterns.  This doesn’t mean that everything they do is unconscious.  Most HCP’s have lied about something and knowingly engaged in behavior that’s improper.  But they’re driven to do these bad things for unconscious reasons.”

Mr. Eddy reminds us that the High Conflict Personality has always had a target of blame. There has been someone before you and there will be someone after you. This behavior is a pattern for the HCP so that they can remain distracted from their own grief and their own historical fears. Whether you are the HCP’s divorcing spouse or other family member, friend, attorney, mental health professional, you need to be ready for the possibility of becoming their target of blame and work to not get hooked.

Collaborative Divorce is an efficient approach for working with a High Conflict Personality because there is the powerfully safe environment of the professional team to deal with the challenge from a multidimensional perspective. The lawyers and the neutral Financial Specialist help the HCP neurologically move from the mid-brain (fight, flight or freeze center) up to the left cortex where higher, rational, concrete thinking can take place. The Coach can help the HCP recognize and manage intense negative emotions. The Child Specialist can help the HCP to reprioritize his/her thinking and remember to put the needs of the children in the forefront.  If you work in the field of divorce, Collaborative Divorce training is essential for less taxing, more gratifying work. There is a three-day training coming up on February 2-4, 2012 in Pomona, CA. Here is the direct link to sign up:

http://collaborativedivorceeducationinstitute.com/index.php/component/content/article/5-collaborative-divorce-team-training/40-collaborative-training

If you are the divorcing spouse of a High Conflict Personality, please consider getting a Collaborative Divorce. It will help your restructuring family to transition more peacefully. It will focus on the well-being of your children and place your divorce in the context of a normal transition in today’s world.

Writing this blog reminds me of a very meaningful statement by Wayne Dyer. “All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.” Please keep this in mind when working with a HCP. It will help you avoid getting hooked.

Actually, I realized yesterday that even the word “phone” is full of baloney! I’ve been busy repeating to myself all week , “I need a new phone.” What I should have been saying instead was “I need a new life-device” That’s not the same as a phone. That’s a lot more complicated and potentially anxiety producing.

Here was my experience. First, I waited on a long line outside in the heat for more than thirty minutes in anticipation of my new life-device. Then, I was neurologically overstimulated for another ninety minutes launching into shopping for it. I was thoroughly unprepared emotionally for the over-firing of neurons coupled with a fleeting existential anxiety that my life was out of my control until I understood this small rectangular thing sitting in the cradle of my hand.

Then, there were those add-ons: insurance, phone-cover, car charger, screen-saver, extra data. The techno-man behind the counter was droning on about it all and I felt like I was out of my body; dissociating from the neurological over-firing and yearning to bolt for the exit.

Then I took the device home and stressed with it for the next three hours because the “phone” did not reassure me quickly enough that it would all be just fine. Twenty-four hours later I have come to understand that the device, itself, is actually quite easy to use. It is the not the “phone”, but my data anxiety that creates the challenge. I find myself stuck in the restless cycle of what’s coming next: an email, a text message, a dropped call, a Facebook tag, a Linked-In discussion, a new You Tube video, a tweet?

Whatever happened to the black rotary phone? It had merit in that in order to use it, you had to stop, be still and be in the moment. There is something to be said for that.

One abstract legacy that Steve Jobs leaves behind is his lifelong resilience; his capacity to bounce back in the face of adversity and to rise above his challenges.  He came from humble beginnings; he didn’t have enough money for room and board in college; he didn’t graduate; he left his business, he worked hard and productively for eight years while fighting an aggressive form of cancer; and, perhaps what many would consider the biggest challenge, that he was given up for adoption at birth.

Steve Jobs is an Icon of Resilience. He refused to conform to the confines and definitions of what society deems “normal” and consistently believed there were a multitude of creative ways to overcome challenges and get to a goal.  Because he wouldn’t be constrained by certain social norms and societal limitations; he was able to let his creativity flow and artistically find his resilience through every challenge he faced.

Here is what I take away from the sad loss of this great man: when you are looking to bounce back from life’s hard knocks, remember that there may be many more paths to resilience than you might conventionally notice. Don’t let yourself be limited by the constraints of social norms and dictates when you need to find a way to rise above your challenges. Be creative and search for answers in places that push you out of your comfort zone. When you are in adversity, think of Steve Job’s original challenge: he may have been displaced by his Mother; but he bounced back, connected to the world and flourished by thinking outside of the Motherboard.

RIP Steve Jobs.

I believe it is the responsibility of every citizen who is considering divorce to opt for a Collaborative Divorce. This choice represents a moral and ethical decision for the integrity of our society. To divorce collaboratively states that the needs of the children and their transitioning family context deserve to be treated with respect, care, loving kindness…and nothing less. This needs to become a core value for every divorcing family because the family is the foundation for our society at large.

Collaborative Divorce is a means for uncoupling that utilizes an interdisciplinary team of professionals; each trained and skilled in providing resolution and closure to the legal, emotional and financial dimension inherent in every divorce. The divorcing couple is cocooned within the safety net of their professional team and become empowered to respectfully gather and share necessary information,; brainstorm all the possible options in transitioning their assets and debts; and, kindly make agreements each can live with as they move forward in a two-household family. They work together with their team to listen to the voice of their kids and hold their children’s concerns at the forefront.

I have been practicing in this model for more than a decade and I am pretty passionate about the notion that our society needs to move into an honorable point of view that Collaborative Divorce is naturally the only way for a family to make a life-altering transition that truly serves the greater good.

If you or someone you know is considering a divorce, please learn more about Collaborative Divorce and take the high-minded path for the good of the family and for the good of society. It is your moral responsibility to do so. If you are a divorce professional (legal, mental health, or financial), please take the Collaborative Divorce Full Team Training on November 3rd, 4th, 5th in Phoenix, AZ. Check out our website Collaborative Divorce Institute (at www.collaborativedivorceinstitute.com) for more information.

According to Bill Eddy, the guru of high-conflict,  the personality traits of people who are in it for the friction include:

1. Rigid and uncompromising, repeating failed strategies
2. Unable to accept or heal from a loss
3. Negative emotions dominate their thinking
4. Unable to reflect on their own behavior
5. Difficulty empathizing with others
6. Preoccupied with blaming others
7. Avoid any responsibility for the problem or the solution

Does this sound like someone you know? One way to gauge if you are dealing with this type is to examine your own behavior. If you notice that you walk on eggshells around him or her, you could be with a High-Conflict personality and you must take care, because you could easily end up as their target of blame. Learning how to set a boundary with this type of person does not come easy because their trap is to lure you into the debate. Once, you are lured in, they “gotcha!” and now are justified in escalating the argument. Beware! Don’t ever argue with a High-Conflict personality.

Here are some tips for you:

1. Learn to be okay if the High-Conflict person doesn’t like you. Being the good-guy with someone who is in it for the friction is seriously overrated. The High-Conflict personality translates “good guy” into “my next victim”.
2. Learn not to take the High-Conflict person’s behavior personally. So what if their behavior has insulted you? Why need the approval of an unstable person? If it is a supervisor or boss, their critical nature will rarely cost you your job. Consider the source and remember that their need to be right comes from a deep inner insecurity.
3. Trust your instincts. You will get a gut-kick very early with someone who is in it for the friction. Set your boundaries early and don’t let those boundaries be intruded upon.
4. Don’t try to prove a point. They won’t accept it. Remember that they need for you to be “wrong”. State that you understand their point of view and you just happen to see it differently.
5. Never, ever fall into the trap of trying to manage the wrath of someone who is in it for the friction. You will only be as good as your last performance and you will become emotionally exhausted.
6. Be ready to walk away. Since High-Conflict people are usually terrified of abandonment, you will sense this early on and you might stay hooked up with them long after it is useful to do so. Sometimes you just have to walk away to preserve your own mental health.

Ultimately, someone who is in it for the friction needs to have a target. Recognize that early and refuse to play that role. See Bill Eddy’s work for everything you need to know.

At that time they spoke barely a word of English, yet we were somehow able to bridge the language barrier with them. Perhaps it was with our body language. Perhaps it was with patient, slow communication of English words, which they mirrored with the German counterpart. However we orchestrated the communication, we became enduring friends and they quickly learned to speak our language. These dear friends bought us a cruise down the Danube river as a gift to reciprocate for the kindness we extended to them over the years. We were quick to accept such a generous offer. Who wouldn’t?

What we didn’t know at the time we accepted was that the cruise consisted of all German people. No one out of 170 passengers and 60 crew spoke English, other than our friends who gave us this gift. The Captain spoke only German. The Cruise Director spoke only German. We were the only American people on board. At the launch, we were out of the fold…and never could make an inroad to connect. Sometimes it was hard not to feel sorry for ourselves or feel angry at our perception of being “left out”.

We frequently didn’t know what was going on. We couldn’t understand important announcements, we missed entertaining events, we couldn’t laugh when something was funny to everyone else.  We couldn’t interact with others and we felt isolated and lonely at times. We were sometimes frustrated at not being able to communicate our needs or get our questions answered.

It wasn’t the fault of the other passengers. They couldn’t communicate with us any better than we could communicate with them. But they had strength in their numbers and we carried the burden of the language barrier. For example, one night the Captain gave a little mini-concert with his guitar for the passengers. He approached us for feedback after he finished and I gave him the hand sign indicating “A-Okay”. He received the gesture offensively, thinking I was rating him with a “Zero” for his performance…Whoops!

The good news is that we got to learn, in real-time, the three different aspects of cultural diversity: 1) the concrete; 2)the behavioral; and, 3)the symbolic.

The concrete is  the most visible and tangible level of culture, and includes the most surface–level dimensions such as clothes, music, food, games, etc . For example, we saw many men dressed in lederhosen, a customary native dress of Bavaria. The cuisine included lots of pork, potatoes and cabbage. The food tasted fine; but midway through the cruise, our American digestive systems began to yearn for a simple green salad.

We experienced the behavioral level of cultural diversity. This level clarifies how we define our social roles, the languages we speak, and our approaches to nonverbal communication. The handling of silverware is culturally very different. I became quite adept at working my fork and knife simultaneously while navigating around my dinner plate. Hugging as a greeting is rare and reserved for the most familiar of relationships. If you greet with a kiss, you kiss on both cheeks. I kept forgetting this and would be giving “half-kisses” that left my German friends bewildered.

The symbolic level of culture includes our values and beliefs. It can be abstract, but it is most often the key to how individuals define themselves. It includes value systems, customs, beliefs, mores, spirituality, religion, worldview, etc. German culture includes a staunch, stoic character and any sort of complaining seems to be frowned upon. Structure is very important and the expectation is often that one does not deviate from the existing plan. We learned about this on a number of occasions, but mostly poignantly once when we asked to change an established itinerary and we were quickly corrected to stick with the plan and not make a fuss.

I do not mention these details to be critical of the German experience. Cultural dissonance is to be expected in situations like this. We loved lots of features in our Danube experience. But perhaps the best thing we experienced was some true enlightenment about what it feels like to be culturally different and viewed as strangers among a homogeneous cultural group. I certainly have increased my awareness of and my empathy for cultural diversity.

Carol Tosone is an associate professor of social work at NYU. Carol lived and worked through the September 11, 2001 terrorist attack and has become very interested in Second-Hand Shock. She shared in an interview that she is still “spooked” by the sound of airplanes since that tragic day.

Carol was curious if other social workers and mental health providers who treated 9/11 victims shared her experience of vicarious trauma, so she polled 500 helping professionals who worked in Midtown and Lower Manhattan during the attacks. She found that many of our heroes are still suffering. Her survey is an empirical testimony that many helping professionals share trauma with the people they are treating.

Tosone’s survey is being replicated in New Orleans among clinicians who counseled flood survivors. These clinical studies will help prepare social workers and other helping professionals who work in disasters and other traumatic situations to recognize and treat their own natural trauma responses. “We need to refortify clinicians,” said Tosone, who is also a member of the National Association of Social Workers.

Can you imagine that helping professionals and other caring witnesses are still suffering trauma responses a decade after the 9/11 tragedy? That certainly speaks to how insidious the effects of vicarious trauma can be! It also demonstrates a saddening lack of compassion and absence of resources for our heroes. Probably these heroes have been suffering with all types of unpleasant symptoms and they may have attributed these symptoms to other causes as a result of public apathy to their plight.

The symptoms of vicarious trauma or Second-Hand Shock run parallel with Post Traumatic Stress disorder and include:

• negative emotions;
• frequently feeling “on edge”;
• existential upset that includes a negative world-view;
• disruption in memory
• intrusive imagery, including nightmares or recurring visualizations;
• emotional numbing;
• inability to tolerate strong emotions or hypersensitivity to emotionally charged content, such as seen in movies or television;
• feeling anxious or worried for family members;
• avoidance or “checking out” from the traumatic experience;
• physical illnesses;
• isolation and loss of ability to enjoy meaningful activities; and,
• feelings of incompetence.

It is imperative for our heroes to be given the time and space to debrief and regroup after suffering Second-Hand Shock. The Rapid Advance Process is an effective technique that helps the helper to move out of the flight or fight reaction and back into their higher thinking which promotes a sense of inner peace and well-being.

I find it to be ironic that many helping professionals work so diligently to reduce the stigma around maintaining mental health, yet they may be falling prey to the same faulty thinking when it comes to their own welfare. It is long overdue for us to normalize the concept that helpers are negatively affected by listening to trauma content stories while they control their empathic responses. As we work together to raise public awareness, we build a safe environment for our heroes to seek the relief they so greatly deserve. I thank Carol Tosone for her work and her dedication to the helping professions.

I do not know this person. I have never met him. I do not know his circumstances. All I know of him is his is simple voice mail and his subsequent suicide. First I went through my own selfish mad ramblings: “I could have saved his life”; “I did not get back to him in enough time”, “It must be my fault that this happened”. After a few minutes of this harsh self-centered talk, I realized I was in the trauma reaction called Miracle-Worker Reverie as a result of this tragic event. But that’s about me and will probably be addressed in another Mad Ramblings Blog.

Right now, I want to speak to the client who never was and everyone he represents. If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please remember that suicidal thinking is the result of being in an extreme shame attack. The suffering person is usually grappling with challenging life-issues or events that provide a context of seeing oneself as unlovable and worthless. The suicidal person believes that everyone he/she knows, including themselves, would be better off if they were dead. The struggle with this tidal wave of shame becomes crushing, as it overtakes its victim and ultimately ebbs into a silently-deafening rage turned on oneself. While I know basically nothing about this man, I do know that he lost his struggle to shame.

No one should ever have to feel that bad.

What’s tragic about all this is that shame can be healed. We need to remember that at times “it is darkest right before the dawn”. No matter what level of despair we may feel at certain low points in our lives, we still have options and choices for healing. Sometimes in life we find ourselves in circumstances that bring us to our knees in suffering, so that we may rise to a level of higher thinking and mental health. It is our responsibility to take the time we need to explore and discover that there are many healing paths out of our emotional pain. Please see below for some suicide resources. Please pass them along. Thank you.

suicidehotlines.com/national.html

Suicide: Read This First

www.metanoia.org/suicide/